Caught Stealing

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

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Date added: 09 / 15 / 2008 , 10:14:44 PM

Passing A Parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

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Date added: 09 / 15 / 2008 , 10:14:22 PM

Buying A Chainsaw

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?

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Date added: 09 / 15 / 2008 , 10:13:52 PM

The Crowded Store

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

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Date added: 09 / 15 / 2008 , 10:13:34 PM

Fight Competition

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... Main entrance.

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Date added: 09 / 15 / 2008 , 10:13:19 PM

A Department Store

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

Rating: 0.00 | Hits: 44
Date added: 09 / 15 / 2008 , 10:13:03 PM

I Am Going To Shop

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

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Date added: 09 / 15 / 2008 , 10:12:16 PM

Bad Relationships

Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,

"Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.

"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."

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Date added: 09 / 15 / 2008 , 10:12:00 PM

Calming Your Son

In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."

A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."

The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."

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Date added: 09 / 15 / 2008 , 10:11:44 PM

Give Me Free Meat

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

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Date added: 09 / 15 / 2008 , 10:11:28 PM