The Farmer's Declaration

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there.

"Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog." The farmer replied, "Well, you know, dogs don't talk." The ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?"

The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog. "Hi there, Mr. dog," said the ventriloquist. "How does the farmer treat you?" To which the dog replied, "Oh, he's great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!" Needless to say, the farmer was dumbfounded.

Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could speak with the farmer's horse. "Well, you know, horses don't talk." Again the ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a horse might tell you."

So the farmer brought out his horse. "Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?" asked the ventriloquist. The horse then replied, "Oh, I think he's great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!" Again the farmer was amazed.

Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, "Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?"

"Well," declared the farmer, "Sheep lie, ya' know."

Rating: 5.00 | Hits: 139
Date added: 07 / 25 / 2008 , 05:21:44 PM

Sign Of Spring

Leo, our neighbor, came home with a birdhouse one day.

My husband kidded him, asking how many birds could afford deluxe accommodations in our suburban neighborhood.

"Leave that to me," Leo replied.

Soon that birdhouse was dangling from a tree with a neat sign that read: "Room for wren--cheep."

Rating: 0.00 | Hits: 41
Date added: 07 / 25 / 2008 , 05:21:25 PM

The Lion

Lion wakes up in the jungle and finds that a tool is missing, he goes to elephant and asks "Have you seen my tool?"

Elephant replies "What does it look like?" Lion: "Well it's got four points on it" Elephant: "Sorry, I haven't seen it, try mouse" So the Lion goes to the mouse and asks "Have you seen my tool?" Mouse: "What does it look like?" Lion: "Well it's got four points on it." Mouse: "Sorry mate, I've not seen it, try croc." So the lion proceeds to the crocodile and asks "Have you seen my tool" Croc: "What does it look like?" Lion: "Well it's got four points on it." Croc: "Sorry I've not seen it, try Jaguar" So the lion goes to Jaguar and asks "Have you seen my tool?" Jaguar: "Of course, I ate it." Lion: "Why did you do that?" Jaguar: "Well I'm a four point tool eater Jaguar"

Rating: 0.00 | Hits: 38
Date added: 07 / 25 / 2008 , 05:21:05 PM

The Bear And The Rabbit

A bear is sitting in the middle of a forest taking the biggest shit of his life and feeling dam good about it.

He looks down and sees a rabbit dumping a load right next to him. The bear looks at the rabbit and says, "Hey, uhh Mr. Rabbit, uhh do you have a problem withthe shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit shakes his head no and says, "Nope, never bothers me."

The bear says, "Good!" takes the rabbit and wipes his ass with him and then tosses him aside.

Rating: 0.00 | Hits: 23
Date added: 07 / 25 / 2008 , 05:20:42 PM

Tennis Shoes

Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer. When all of a sudden, a giant bear jumps out and scares the shit out of them. They drop their guns and run like hell.

One of the hunters stopped, opened up his backpack and laced up a pair of tennis shoes. His buddy looked at him and said, "What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't outrun the bear!"

To this the hunter said, "I know, all I have to do is outrun you!"

Rating: 0.00 | Hits: 25
Date added: 07 / 25 / 2008 , 05:20:22 PM

Lucky Frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9- Iron".

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked!

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3-wood."

The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom - tons of cash come sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures, Why not? After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay. With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

Rating: 0.00 | Hits: 24
Date added: 07 / 25 / 2008 , 05:19:56 PM

The Dancing Duck

A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.

After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

"Hmmm...." thought the duck's former owner. "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

Rating: 0.00 | Hits: 25
Date added: 07 / 25 / 2008 , 05:19:34 PM

Jesus Is Calling You

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you,"

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?"

He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you," The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird. The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird 'Moses'?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

Rating: 0.00 | Hits: 32
Date added: 07 / 25 / 2008 , 05:19:15 PM

Singing Bullfrog

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Rating: 0.00 | Hits: 29
Date added: 07 / 25 / 2008 , 05:12:39 PM

Three-legged Pig

There was this guy and he was driving along until he got a flat. He spotted a near-by farm and decided maybe they had a phone. When he got there he saw a farmer and a pig. The only thing was the pig only had three legs and a wooden leg where the fourth was missing. "Hey there, you wouldn't happen to have a phone would you?" the guy said, still thinking about the pig.

"Nope, no phones 'round these parts." The farmer looked up at the sky just as the man noticed it was getting darker. "Well, I guess...ya can stay here for 'da night. 'Dat is if you likes."

Thinking about his flat he decided to stay. "I just have one question, what happened to that pig?" asked the man. "Well,..he been in a fire not 'dat longs ago. Rescued all 'da childrens too. Yep, 'dat be one fine pig."said the farmer. "Well, how'd he get like that? Did the leg get burnt....or what?" asked the man. "Nope, he didn' get hurt." "Then what happened to his leg?" the man asked getting more & more impatient.

"Well," the farmer said annoyed "everybody knows 'dat you don't eat a pig like 'dat in one sittin".

Rating: 0.00 | Hits: 33
Date added: 07 / 25 / 2008 , 05:12:20 PM