Handling Teens

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace.

Rating: 0.00 | Hits: 17
Date added: 09 / 02 / 2008 , 08:35:18 PM

New Hearing Aid

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Rating: 0.00 | Hits: 18
Date added: 09 / 02 / 2008 , 08:34:36 PM

Movies Changed

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.

Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."

Rating: 0.00 | Hits: 19
Date added: 09 / 02 / 2008 , 08:34:16 PM

Hard Of Hearing

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."

Rating: 0.00 | Hits: 15
Date added: 09 / 02 / 2008 , 08:33:58 PM

Good & Bad News

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."

Patient: "OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???"

Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."

Rating: 0.00 | Hits: 21
Date added: 09 / 02 / 2008 , 08:33:39 PM

Recently Seen

Recently seen on a card...

Outside: We dont feel sorry for you blowing all those candles, what about us...

Inside: ... We had to stay up all night lighting them!

Rating: 0.00 | Hits: 21
Date added: 09 / 02 / 2008 , 08:33:20 PM

Humor About The Elderly

OLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribbling OLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off OLD BIKERS never die, but they're hard on tires OLD BIOLOGISTS never die, they just ferment away OLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye away OLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figures OLD BOOKS never die, they just go out-of-print

OLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutter OLD BRAKES never die, they just grind down OLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just lose their finesse OLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just sit around on their fat aces OLD BUDGETS never die, they are fillibustered OLD BUREAUCRATS never die, they just waste away OLD BURGLARS never die, they just steal away OLD BUSINESSES never die, they just get consolidated

Rating: 0.00 | Hits: 29
Date added: 09 / 02 / 2008 , 08:32:45 PM

Jokes About The Elderly

OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance OLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part OLD ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted OLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures OLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciate OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest OLD BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loan OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go batty OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last lap

Rating: 0.00 | Hits: 46
Date added: 09 / 02 / 2008 , 08:31:56 PM

Mongolian Vd

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take any precautions. A week after arriving back home he awakens one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little relieved and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure other than to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Oh no! I want a second opinion!"

The doctor replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money, that way."

"Then there's no need to operate? Oh, thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks, it fall off by itself!"

Rating: 0.00 | Hits: 127
Date added: 08 / 13 / 2008 , 11:08:52 AM

Going To The Dentist

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No?"

"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again." And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms.

Rating: 0.00 | Hits: 38
Date added: 08 / 13 / 2008 , 11:08:27 AM